Gender identity was first included as a question in the UK Census in 2021, with 262,000 people who answered the voluntary question indicating that their gender identity was different from their sex registered at birth. Indigo, one of the Healthwatch Essex Trauma Ambassadors, chatted to us about their experiences of being misgendered, particularly in health, care and wellbeing settings.
“Hi, my name is Indigo. I identify myself as non-binary so for me I use the pronouns of ‘they’ and ‘them’.
To start this, I feel it is important that gender and sex are separated. Sex is what organs you have in your body and specific body parts. Your gender is then assigned to you based on these as seen on a scan or at birth. They are NOT the same thing. The gender binary refers to just male and female, which even with sex is incorrect, as some people are intersex. Some people don’t feel they are defined by their bodies; to them, their bodies don’t match who they are, and they don’t want to be defined by them. There’s so much I could write but these points hopefully help you to get some sort of understanding. They may also feel that their organs and body parts are wrong for them, and in some cases they may not feel that there are the right body parts for them. Gender is more of a spectrum than just male or female, and this is where ‘non-binary’ comes in as an umbrella term and describes other gender identities. There is no right or wrong way to be non-binary, although ‘they’ and ‘them’ are common pronouns which people with identities under this umbrella may use.
So, as I said previously, I identify as non-binary. For me the term I have found so far, for the gender I relate to, is ‘gender neutral’ or ‘neutrois’. I experience dysphoria, which is basically a medical condition; it causes discomfort or upset to me that my organs don’t match my body. I don’t feel any organ options would be right because my body doesn’t feel right to me – painfully so. Therefore, having the wrong pronouns used makes me feel like I am nothing more to people than my wrong body, and that who I am is not valid or of worth. I feel trapped in a body that isn’t right and it hurts me. When people identify me wrongly, I feel like only my genetic make-up is of worth, and who I have to be. To me, I don’t understand why people can’t be respected as who they are: we all bleed red for sure but surely, we are all more as people then DNA and cells?
I spent a long time living in fear of who I am as I was terrified that people wouldn’t accept me for it. So, I hid at first, not understanding what was different about me, then seeing the lack of understanding in society as well as my upbringing teaching me so. I found it hurt less if I lived as a perfect character, a persona that I created, that I could change when someone didn’t like me – but eventually I realised that it’s not really living if you are not your genuine self. I still had to hide who I was because I had seen the abuse a transgender patient had suffered from one of the healthcare facilities I was being kept in. So, I only started actually being myself, slowly, a few months after discharge. I have numerous chronic illnesses and mental health conditions which means healthcare is a big part of my life, but it wasn’t inpatient care for me anymore, at that point.
Anyone probably feels particularly vulnerable when they are getting any sort of healthcare but imagine an extra layer of feeling completely invalid and worthless simply because of being yourself! For me it led to my dysphoria getting extremely bad. I was getting treatment for self-harm of the areas of my body I know are wrong for me. They make me feel disgusting and I got into a cycle – perpetuated largely by misgendering in the healthcare services – as I was already in crisis over it. I also find inpatient settings really hard as most of the time, gender and sex are not separated, and you are put on a ward based on your sex. You literally have your organs define you: and this can actually make you feel really unsafe. Having to deal with it outside of hospitals and clinics is difficult but at least then you can walk away and leave the situation. With inpatient treatment there isn’t that option, and trying to tolerate it is even harder when you are trying to process and undergo any sort of treatment.
Changing just one word can make a massive impact on how treatment feels for an individual – it made me able to trust and even respect professionals more when they addressed me correctly, helping me to feel that they respected me as a person, not just set of symptoms to get to the bottom of. Everyone is different but I think that gender and pronouns being documented somewhere, such as their medical notes, is important, and to make sure that hand overs between different professionals include pronouns. Additionally, if there is a true name (I prefer saying true to chosen because you don’t choose who you are, but some people may disagree with this) that this is used consistently, even if at the time there has not been a legal name change.
If people don’t understand, or struggle with different pronouns, using the person’s name is politer than getting it wrong. If you slip up and someone corrects you, please thank them or apologise: don’t talk over them and don’t continue to do so – it’s so invalidating and rude. If you are unsure how someone wants to be referred to, just ask them politely; for example, ‘what do you go by name and pronouns wise?’. It’s not hard! And finally, something that is a total annoyance to me, please don’t say ‘I can’t get/won’t it because of my age’. Terminology for people of different ethnic origins has changed and people can use that correctly so it’s not down to inability, it’s down to lack of willingness to try.”
If you would like to access support around any of the issues mentioned in this blog, or to share your own lived experience, give the Healthwatch Essex Information & Guidance Service a call on 0300 500 1895, email [email protected] or text/WhatsApp on 07712 395398.
If you would like to find out more about the Trauma Ambassador Group and our work, you can find out more here.